What kills long-distance relationships 13 killers with solutions

Long distance relationships are hard and it’s not for everyone.

But you might be killing your long-distance relationship without even realizing it. 

So make sure that you’re not doing any of those habits that might destroy the relationship in the long run.

So what kills long-distance relationships and what can you do to fix it? 

What kills long-distance relationships with solutions 

1- Not communicating 

This is the biggest thing that kills any relationship not just long-distance relationships. The only tie you have during that time is how you communicate together. 

And if that is not established at the beginning of the relationship it’ll lead to more problems in the long run. 

A lot of LDR couples fail to realize that not communicating right slowly kills the relationship. 

If you feel like you have a problem in your relationship always and I mean by always check how you communicate with your partner. 

Usually, this is why 99% of long-distance relationships fail. 

READ MORE: Long distance Relationship 20 Questions to Determine if You’re Meant to Be in one

Solution – Make it doable 

A woman engrossed in a heartfelt phone call, maintaining a long-distance relationship.

The most important thing to do if you feel like not communicating is what causing the problem in your LDR talk about it with your partner. 

I repeat talk about it!

Even your partner might be not aware of this problem in the first place. 

Talking about this issue as soon as you see it coming will help you set the ground with your partner. 

You might even come up with more ideas on how to make communication much better. 

Few ideas to help you better communicate:

-Set a time to do at least one video/call 

-If something requires more explaining leave it until you are on video call. 

-Always ask your partner how they feel. 

-Though one, but give an excuse until you hear one.

2- Not making any plans for the future

When you’re in long distance relationship it’s essential to make plans, not making any and just leaving it to circumstances is what kills long-distance relationships sooner rather than later. 

Remember that in all types of relationships not just LDR, you need to have a plan for the future. 

If you don’t make any plans for what your future together will be like then what’s the point of having long distance relationship? 

Solution – Set a date to meet or plan a trip together 

A couple in a long-distance relationship enthusiastically making plans for their future together through a video call

To fix this problem, talk with your partner about your plans and their plans for the future and make sure to fill where the gap is. 

It may be not easy to make a trip together but planning it together will get you closer and will make you look forward to what’s to come. 

Even if you have no idea when just try to figure it out. 

That’s why it’s important to talk. 

3- Failing to commit to the relationship 

Ever since I joined LDR support groups I always see those types of posts where one partner finds that their partner is “having fun” without them or it turns out they’re dating somebody. 

This is devastating to any partner to find out especially if they’re miles and miles away. 

If you find it hard to commit to the relationship whether that is by hanging out with someone or talking intimately with someone other than your partner you’re killing your long-distance relationship.

Not only committing by not cheating but committing by not even communicating with your partner, it’s time to leave the relationship. 

Solution – Be honest about how you feel about the relationship 

A woman crying while looking at her phone, possibly due to communication problems or trust issues, which can be detrimental to long-distance relationships

Based on my experience and what I see from those groups both couples fail to talk about how they feel about the relationship. 

This is why it’s important to be always on the same page and all you have to do is ask. 

Ask your partner how they feel regarding the distance, if is there an issue that needs to be fixed, or if your partner would love to have more visits. 

No matter what kind of feeling you or your partner have, it’s always important to talk about it. 

Read more: Long distance relationship question games

4- Losing trust in each other 

I’m guilty of this one!

At any point in any relationship, it’s hard to maintain trust especially if your partner keeps showing the opposite. 

But what I learned is during my long distance relationship and my 1 year of having a life coach to manage my mindset, times 8 out of 10 you’re wrong. 

This doesn’t mean if you have a gut instinct about your partner and their loyalty is to ignore it. 

But I’m talking about those simple everyday situations when you’re partner is busy you just assume the worst. 

When you see your partner posts a story or someone posts a story about them it makes you question things and this loses trust between you and your partner. 

Solution – Before you judge discuss first 

A hopeful woman eagerly checking her phone, anticipating a positive message, in a long-distance relationship that faces challenges but also moments of optimism

I learned this the hard way. 

Before you judge your partner, ask them. 

It sounds easier than it is, especially if you have to wait to hear back from your partner. 

But the truth is, there is always another side to any story, and like I said our mind will just assume the worst-case scenario. 

Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will not only make your relationship more successful but it’ll give you ease of mind. 

5- Ignoring boundaries

What kills a long-distance relationship is not setting boundaries early in the relationship. 

When you’re dating or have a partner that is not that far from you it’s easy to have boundaries with them because you’ll be exposed to situations where you have to set boundaries. 

But with a long-distance relationship, it’s kinda hard to do it and you’ll only notice it once you find out the boundary has been crossed. 

Solution – Setting boundaries will save you lots of heartbreaks

In the early relationship talk with your partner about what you expect from each other and what you hope the other person won’t cross one day. 

Sometimes it’s even hard to know what your boundaries are and you only find what they’re once they’re crossed. 

This is why it’s important to have a self-talk with yourself about what are your boundaries in your relationship. 

Maybe it’s that you find it hard to trust your partner around their close friend of the opposite sex or you don’t like your partner having dirty talk with someone else. 

No matter what your boundary is, always talk about it. 

6- Keeping the same routine 

Any type of relationship will have the same routine at one point but with a long-distance relationship, it’ll get pretty boring and the same more often. 

At the beginning of the relationship, you get butterflies from any text your partner sends and any message from them makes you smile from ear to ear. 

But with time you’ll hit a point where you have talked about everything and by everything I mean everything (Even cow poop). 

This is normal but if you let it get to the point where it just feels boring whenever you talk with your partner, this is a sign to watch out for. 

Solution – Add virtual date 

Virtual date is not for everyone even for LDR couples but what makes it more intimidating is the word virtual. 

Check with your partner about the idea of having a virtual date, if they’re not comfortable about it offer something else. 

What the heck is even a virtual date?

A virtual date is like any kind of normal date you would have with your partner if you’re together, except for this type of date your partner will be on the other side of the screen. 

Which is why some couples are not comfortable with the idea. 

Me and my partner haven’t personally done any virtual dates at any point during our long-distance relationship but we have done some other fun things. 

Here are few ideas of what we tried to break the boredom: 

  • Walking around the neighborhood while talking on the phone. 
  • Playing video games at the same time. 
  • Reading the same book at the same time. 
  • Sharing videos of something normal we do daily. 
  • Watching movies together. 

I could write a whole page about things we tried but this will do for now. 

READ MORE: 10 Ideas to talk about when running out of things to talk about

Virtual movie night date idea for long-distance couples: Simultaneously watch a movie, chat via video call, and enjoy snacks together for a shared and enjoyable experience

7- Failing to keep your promises 

This one goes without much explaining, fail to keep your promise and you fail to keep your relationship any longer. 

It gets hard with the distance but if you promise that you’ll call or text or visit then it’s your part to fulfill that promise. 

Sometimes we do this unconsciously especially with a separate life and different routines from our partner, even once or twice won’t break the relationship. 

But doing it more often is a sure way to fail a long-distance relationship or any type. 

Solution – a bit tricky but if you mean it you’ll keep it 

Here is the thing, if you mean what you say what you’re going to do you’ll keep it no matter what. 

But in a relationship and with LDR this is tricky. 

Especially if you have a foggy memory like I do, I always write the things I need to do that way I don’t forget. 

And I set up reminders just simply cause it’s easier. 

At one point I got a reminder to travel to my partner and to this day even though I’m with my partner I still have this reminder. 

Sometimes you have to show your commitment. 

8- Arguing for the sake of arguing 

Listen, any kind of relationship will have its arguments and if you don’t argue with your partner now and then, do you care about your partner?

I don’t mean that if you don’t argue at all there is something wrong but why would you argue with somebody you don’t care about?

But arguing with your partner for the sake of arguing is a big red flag. 

In relationships, it gets stressful sometimes even when you’re together but having pointless arguments is gonna kill your relationship. 

Solution – What’s the end goal of arguing?

Arguments just happen, right? Well, at least sometimes you’re talking and then boooom!

But that’s not always true. 

If you feel there is an argument coming or you need to talk to your partner about the same thing again. 

Remind yourself of the end goal of the argument. 

Do you want to get the point across? 

Do you want to express your feelings to your partner? 

Or you’re stressed and you feel you need to express it. 

Whatever your argument is about, always make sure to have an end goal in mind to keep heartbreak away. 

9- Different relationship expectation 

If you watched The Girl on the Train movie and the story behind it you’ll be shocked how this is true in our lives. 

We have a story in our minds and we act upon it, while someone else may see the same thing but have a different story. 

You’ll be surprised how this often happens in a relationship and with a long-distance relationship you and your partner must be on the same page. 

Solution – Focus on what you both expect and talk about it 

If you set the expectation on how the relationship is going to be from the moment you’re apart this will save you a big heartbreak later on. 

10- Not doing stuff together 

It is important to treat LDR as if it is a serious relationship or a normal relationship you would have if you were in the same country. 

Just because you’re not physically together it doesn’t mean you can’t do stuff together. 

Yeah, it’s hard when you’re partner gets a promotion or gets a new job and you can’t be with them. 

But even with the distance and you’re not doing it with your partner it will seriously do damage to the relationship. 

Especially if you’re committed to this relationship. 

Not even the big events but even those small things like your partner getting a new pet or they’re getting a new hairstyle. 

You would act differently than if it were happening where you live. 

Solution – Do the boring stuff 

As I just said if your partner gets a new haircut or new hairstyle and you’re in the same place you would have a different reaction. 

You might even get encouraged to do the same. 

By boring stuff I mean the boring things that you do every day but your partner doesn’t get the chance to see you doing it. 

I remember talking to my partner on a video call where I was just brushing my teeth and washing my face to get ready to sleep. 

Yeah, it’s boring but those moments build up and it gives you a sense of comfort with your partner. 

11- Questioning loyalty

When you’re miles apart you might be sitting with your friends and then suddenly you question if your partner is loyal to you. 

It’s normal for this to happen. 

But acting upon every time you get those thoughts where you’re wondering what is your partner doing and who is he with, is just going to drive you both crazy. 

I remember watching a movie where the husband had to go on a work trip for some time and during the whole movie it shows the wife’s behavior shows that she will end up cheating on her husband and he would always check with her. 

But in the end, the husband is the one who cheated. 

The point is just sometimes because you might do this thing it doesn’t mean your partner will do the same. 

Solution – Before you attack discuss 

Something I’m trying to keep up with even after being together, but regardless of the relationship you need to discuss. 

If you feel your partner is messing around, talk to them about it and have a deep conversation. 

Remember in long-distance relationships this is normal to feel. 

Your partner would understand your feelings. 

But if you overdo it you’ll drive away your partner and they’ll hold a grudge against you. 

12- Not satisfying sexual needs 

Honestly, this should come a bit earlier but this is what no one talks about. 

You’re physically apart. 

That part where you get kisses, hugs, and intimate time with your partner just doesn’t happen every night in LDR. 

Especially if you or your partner love language a physical touch is a bit challenging and it could lead to frustration over time.

Sometimes arguments and throwing fire at your partner come from those moments where you just want to feel loved. 

Not getting your sexual needs met doesn’t only make it hard but it leads to more regrets over time.

Solution – Just because you’re miles apart it doesn’t mean you can’t 

Longing for that kiss or touch is gonna break your heart but one way to keep your sexual needs met is to talk about it more often with your partner. 

You’d be surprised how often talking about something makes you less attached to it. 

It doesn’t mean it’ll go away but for the time being, it’ll do. 

Another thing to do is to invest in one of those control toys to pleasure your partner. 

13- Keeping secrets

Secrets are meant to be secrets, right? But in relationships, this doesn’t apply. 

And I don’t mean those secrets where you pooped your pants on public transportation or secretly spied on your neighbors (And hey that’s not even cool). 

But I mean those secrets where it shows your true self and that part of you that nobody gets to see.

Not only does keeping a secret make your partner question your loyalty but it separates you. 

Solutions – Playing and setting time 

Unless your secret requires some deep talk, playing and setting time will do the trick. 

Through playing you can discover secrets about your partner. 

Yes, you need to wait until your partner feels comfortable or when you feel comfortable but some small secrets can be discovered through playing. 

I just remember that we would ask each other if any of us have secrets to share and that does the rest. 

What causes long-distance relationships to fail?

Most LDR fail for 3 main reasons and if you don’t fix it as soon as possible it’s gonna be too late. 

1- Not communicating 

Yes, I’m repeating myself but this is the most common reason why a long-distance relationship fails. 

I have seen in many LDR groups couples that just express how they feel and need guidance instead of going to their partner and having a talk with them. 

There is nothing wrong with asking for help but most conflicts would be avoided if some communication is done beforehand. 

2- Cheating 

This goes without saying. 

If you or your partner cheat it’s over. 

While you can’t control how your partner acts you can always control how you act. 

If at any point you find yourself not committing to the relationship, it’s better to discuss it with your partner. 

3- Comparing relationships to other

You’re at a birthday party and everyone is having their partner with them and you just wondering why is it only me.

I have been in the same situation before. 

But every relationship is unique and comparing your relationship is not gonna help. 

If you find it hard to enjoy events without looking at everyone and their partner, I suggest you search for a support group. 

I have always been a part of Facebook groups and sometimes reading people’s similar stories just makes it better. 

Here is the facebook group link

How do you know if a long-distance relationship is failing?

Apart from what I mentioned earlier If you experience more than one, you might want to check your relationship. 

1- Hard to pay attention 

Let’s face it, You’ll miss important events that happen in your partner’s life and they’ll miss part of you too. 

But if you feel that this is getting the way and you just can’t handle it anymore, talk to your partner about it. 

2- You stop thinking about your partner 

If you stop thinking about your partner and you forget to include them in your daily life. 

This is a huge sign. 

In LDR it’s important to keep your partner included with important stuff and failing to do so might mean long distance is not right for you. 

3- You don’t feel connected 

Your partner is miles away and texting and calling might not be enough for you. 

But feeling connected comes from other things the similarity of the little things you like about your partner. 

If that’s not enough for you and you start to feel like it’s just a chore, this is another sign your long distance is just failing. 

4- No point in trying 

This one is tricky. Because sometimes you think you tried everything but in reality it’s not. 

If you promise to meet or visit and that never happens or you know shortly that won’t happen then it’s better to call it quits. 

5- It becomes a one-sided relationship 

On the other hand, if you feel you have done everything and your partner is not trying. 

Then this is a sided relationship and honestly, this is a big deal breaker. 

Frequently asked questions about LDR 

How do you know when a long-distance relationship is over?

Besides some of the reasons I’ve discussed here and through my experience, a long-distance relationship is over once a partner just doesn’t even try. 

If you are the one who has to keep the relationship on its feet and make the effort to plan, meet, visit, or remind your partner about things they should do by themselves then it’s over. 

How Long Can a Long-Distance Relationship Last without Seeing Each Other?

I met my partner in my home town and this was our first time. We met after 3 years of just calls, texts, videos, and all that. 

This comes from someone whose love language is a physical touch. 

So it’s hard to say how long it can last, everyone’s experience varies. 

I used to follow a YouTuber who was in LDR for 9 years! 

While that’s extreme it solely depends on you and how your partner feels about not seeing each other for some time. 

Why Do Most Long-Distance Couples Break Up?

Sometimes you try everything and it doesn’t just work out. But most long-distance couples break up because they’re not physically or mentally prepared for such a journey. 

It is hard and it takes commitment and you have to accept that you’ll communicate from far away, some people can’t just deal with that. 

So What You Can Do To Strengthen Your Long Distance Relationship?

Apart of what I discussed, here are quick tips to get you started: 

1- Communication is all you have 

At this point, this should be a no-brainer. 

But it is true, if you are in doubt talk to your partner. 

If you miss your partner, call. 

If you want more video calls, ask your partner. 

It’s simple as that but most people forget. 

2- Build trust 

Trust takes time to build but with long-distance relationships, it gets harder, which is why communicating is essential. 

Remember? 

Always ask yourself before you do anything, Will that break your partner’s trust or will that build it?

3- Never compare 

Comparing not just in a relationship can be a huge problem and bring lots of insecurities. 

Then you gonna take it all on your partner. 

Not every relationship is the same. 

Even if another couple goes through the same thing as you do it doesn’t mean it’s the same as for you. 

Also, some things from far away seem deceptive and they’re not what they appear to be.

Focus solely on you and your partner. 

4- Discuss your needs

Need more visits? Ask.

Need more virtual dates? Plan. 

Not being sexually satisfied? Talk to your partner. 

Always discuss your basic needs as if you were in the same place as your partner. 

Just because you’re far it doesn’t mean it should be different. 

5- Take care of yourself 

This is important. 

Through the stress you might have sometimes from LDR it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself. 

Sometimes problems happen in long-distance relationships because you forget to focus on yourself. 

Practice your hobby again. 

Go out with friends. 

Plan fun nights. 

Even if your partner is away you can still share this part of you with them, it’s gonna bring you closer together. 

6- Plan to meet 

There is no set of how many times you should meet cause this changes from one relationship to another. 

But you should have at least a plan to meet one day and make it happen.

7- Have an end goal together 

set plan to meet in long distance relationship

Sometimes people are in a relationship to see if it’s worth it. 

While that’s okay. 

But with LDR this is different. 

It takes such mental strength and trust to have a successful one. 

Knowing your end goal will ultimately help you when things get rough or messy. 

Which is bound to happen. 

Final thoughts 

Knowing what kills long-distance relationships is halfway to fixing it but without effort to fix it, it’s time to move on. LDR is not for everyone and there is no shame in calling it quits. If you need to end it just end it. 

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Author

Hi, I'm Amira, and I've been in a long-distance relationship for four years. I know how tough and fun it can be to love someone far away. I made this blog to share what I've learned and help new long-distance couples. Let's make being far from each other feel a little easier.